I can't believe I almost had a panic attack the other day. I didn't even know I could get a panic attack. What's a panic attack like anyway? I wasn't too sure so after talking to a friend and trying to figure out what the hell I was feeling, and not coming to a conclusion, I decided to pull a Scotland Yard and did my own research.. that is, if you consider Wikipedia as a reliable source of information.
You know most of the things you read there sounds viable, but I always forget to keep in mind that some of the stuff there is pure bullocks fabricated by the likes of you and me. Heck, maybe I should write something in there about myself. What would I say about myself?
Adam Kerr, born and raised in Singapore to a complete and wholesome family and has a sister who is eight years older.. could never decide whether he was an orphan or picked up from a rubbish chute. Either way, he couldn't really believe he was conceived as planned. He always saw himself as the bad egg in the pretty basket in the store. Issues? Maybe. But his family is wonderful.
So much irony right there.
That's what I am, maybe. Ironic and contradictory, never keeping to a statement after saying something else. Fickle, maybe. I don't know. Actually, I don't know a lot of things. Do you know a lot of things? I really don't. So anyway, the whole panic attack saga happened and as I sat down with a familiar face, I tried talking out whatever that was going on but really, it may have helped but not really. All I got out of it was a feeling of inadequacy.
Inadequacy - is that really a feeling? Or is it just a really negative, low self-esteem trait. Either way, it's not something positive. Maybe it's the whole.. "friend zone" issue. You'd know exactly what I'm saying if you've been through it yourself. It's similar to what I wrote on Fever Avenue about having a relationship with someone in your head, and the repercussions should you not heed my invaluable advice at the end of not even going there.
But like I mentioned, I am the epitome of contadictions.
Well, we all falter and make honest mistakes. Dishing out an article like that actually takes a lot from me, seeing how most of my material is from within. I tend to implode and not explode most times, but when I do release, the angst I have is equivalent to the scene in X-Men where Phoenix has all that pent up energy within her and decides to kill. The amount of angst within me, and I'm pretty sure it surpasses daily needs from people much younger than I am, would make me even more powerful and indestructible than Phoenix, to the point that I could destroy entire universes.
Could that be it? The leftover angst from my teenage and NS days that have intensified with the daily stress of work and adult-like decisions?
I like dishing out smart-sounding and thought-provoking advice that is deep. I like sounding all philosophical and all, but as the saying goes, "It's easier said than done." And I understand that, really. I know you're coming from a bad place and the answers are right there in front of you and you just need to follow the next course of action. But you're being held back. By what? Maybe you know, maybe you don't. You only know you're.. being held back. A memory? An emotion? The familiarity of it all? Taking a leap of faith into unchartered waters? There are so many possibilities.
Uncertainty is the bane of everyone's existence. We'd all like to know what the fuck is going on all the time, especially when it comes to ourselves - our mind, body, heart and soul. When you find yourself conflicted with yourself, that's just too much to handle isn't it? If you're conflicted with somebody, at least it can be debated over. But if you're upset about yourself and you don't know what it is, the only thing possible is for a monologue. We all know too well what this monologue will end up in. Probably more frustration and/or the opening of the floodgates.
I already know what the trigger was. What I'm searching for, is the answer to why it was even a trigger for something that never happens to me at all.. well not sub-consciously at least.Wikipedia failed me (surprise, surprise), with giving me only symptoms, triggers and treatment. But I don't need to be treated. I don't need treatment because it probably was a one-off episode.
Some people also suffer from tunnel vision, mostly due to blood flow leaving the head to more critical parts of the body in defense. These feelings may provoke a strong urge to escape or flee the place where the attack began (a consequence of the sympathetic "fight-or-flight response") in which the hormone which causes this response is released in significant amounts.
..exact thing I did. I got out of the area, and oh did I flee. Pushing my way through the crowd like my life depended on it and jumping onto the pavement and taking a deep breath of fresh air like I've never breathed in my entire life. Any second longer in the situation and I would've probably imploded and nobody would know why.
Not even I, right up to now. And until I figure out what the fuck got over me, I will forever be in search of the emotion.
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