I miss your writing. What do you want me to write about? I'll write one for you. I don't know, anything. I'm reading a friend's Live Journal and it reminded me of you; of how I loved reading your blog. And how I knew what it was all about. Do we write similar?
Yes; very similar style, very similar content. It's so beautiful. It's like, passive depressive. That's.. something new. What IS passive depressive? I don't know how to describe it. It's.. so heartening to read his entries. but there's always that tinge of sadness behind each entry. It's so subtle, but it's there. Cynicism? Not exactly, it's like cynicism and hope collaborated, and his entries are their products. Realist. Is that what it is? Cause I don't know. I believe so; sometimes it sounds sad. We are not particularly sad. We just see things as how they are. Those things, are sad.
I'm so sick of the word 'sad'. Why is it everytime I'm free I end up feeling all melancholic, and when I'm not, I'm either stressed or hopefully glee?
Lonely > Lonesome
Lonely's a temporary condition, a cloud that blocks out the sun for a spell and then makes the sunshine seem even brighter after it travels along. Like when you're far away from home and you miss the people you love and it seems like you're never going to see them again. But you will, and you do, and then you're not lonely anymore.
Lonesome's a whole other thing. Incurable. Terminal. A hole in your heart you could drive a semi-truck through. So big and so deep that no amount of money or whiskey or pussy or dope in the whole goddamn world can fill it up because you dug it yourself and you're digging it still - one lie, one disappointment, one broken promise at at time.
Gee. I'll know I'm okay when I'm by myself and I feel okay. Sometimes the space feels stifling doesn't it? I don't really know what to do. It's like when my mind's free, it fills itself with unnecessary emotions, only to be pushed out from a glass full of water - overflowing. But never exactly full either. Yeah, I don't know the solution either. I know that feeling, but I don't know the solution. I just hope someone can appear and, not know, that s/he is saving me, like wanting to find answers but nothing really.. adds up right. And if it's right, you'd actually feel liberation but, not there yet. Grit your teeth, and hope it passes quick enough.
But fast is not fast enough. How fast should fast be? It's like we're perpetually stuck. It's a wicked cycle. But remember that good feeling that comes along? When it comes, just go with it. Hopefully the tide will roll you out to the shore. I think sometimes the more you struggle, the faster you sink. Be okay to sink, take it in. Quicksand, that's where we are; move, and you sink faster. Don't, and you still sink anyway. Going with it will engulf you, you just need to reach out. I don't think I'll reach out per se.
I don't want to sink, do you? If I know it deep inside that I don't want to, I've won half the battle. I am indestructible, see what it can do to me. But, no.. choice. I don't know how to live in the present anymore. It's always the what if's and the what could've been's.. never the wow to the now. But no choices, is right. I know where you're coming from. It's more of a.. "Come at me, bro," moment.
"Already battered. I'm 23, still fucking up, still haven't shit out, might not ever. But hey, I'm still here, COME AT ME."
When you lose everything, you are free to do anything. Remember that time I copied the I Am Nothing post that Visa posted? Go read it again. We keep wanting more and more and more. Contentment? Fuck no. Give me fucking euphoria. But I don't think that's what is important for us now. We need to learn to just be okay. Contentment will take forever. But I just want to be okay - bad okay, good okay - just.. okay. Simple as that. But even okay seem unreachable. It's attainable. It will be.
Did you sleep enough? No, I woke up feeling pissed off. I really feel like leaving. It's the exhaustion and night. You just need a good rest, really. The night and exhaustion wears you out, and for some fuck reason, your brain goes into overdrive.
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