Conformation

Honestly, I am sick to my stomach about how society conforms to just about anything and everything. I will not be a hypocrite to say that I haven't, but I really don't have a choice. Choices; are they really there or does life just give us an illusion of having the ability to choose? Because from the way I see it, whatever choice you make, you're pretty fucked in the end anyway.

As I sit here night after night, churning articles after articles, stick after stick and bottles of water after another bottle, I take a step back and try to look at things in retrospect. My conclusion?

Everybody is damaged goods.

Seeing how I'm the person who loves to have systems in place, clear definitions and lines, I know I'm about to contradict my very morals and values in life. But I am sick of conforming to how certain things should be. Systems that are over centuries old have been tried and tested, but have they proven to work? Why is it that we have an idea of how things should work?

Everything is a process; the whole concept of causality - cause and effect, action and reaction. If I do this, that will happen. But if I don't do that, then this will happen. A million thoughts go through your mind and from something as simple as a word, a thought or even a song - mind-mapping into a hundred thousand other possibilities.

Is that what we call hope?

Hope is a nasty person. It picks you up and shows you an exhibition of possibilities only to throw you back into reality whereby the only choice you have to rid of all these "possibilities" is to pick the one that brings a great deal of disadvantage to yourself. At the end of the day, you're only mind-fucking yourself thanks to Hope.

On the other hand, if you have more faith in Hope (oh the irony in that sentence), and if you actually take the risk of putting yourself out there to make the wrong choice even though you've weighed out the pros and cons, you might see the great rewards it could bring, just like the pretty pictures painted on the exhibitions.

I've given up on hope a long time ago. But I do have my moments, the kinds where I would actually take a step out of my jaded self and become the 18-year old self once again. The kind of things and situations that I imagine and picture myself are beyond comprehensive. Back then I had no experiences of such sinister outcomes, but as they say, "Once bitten, twice shy." That's when I put things back into perspective and return to the wasted body of a 23-year old.

I have no hope, and I have no faith. I am afraid to be too happy because whenever that happens, something bad that is beyond my ability to deal with happens. I am not afraid to say I am afraid. That may not make sense but if you read it again, you'll get the gist of it. Yes, save the lecture about how everybody is afraid of what the future may hold, but I'm not even talking about long-term yet. Whatever that may happen within the short-term scares the fuck out of me.

Why?

Because of the choices that I will make, have make or in the midst of making, I already know the various outcomes. I know that one way or another, I am fucked. I need something epic to happen, or something exciting at least. I need to symbolise that and be able to hope again. I've lost all the ability to look at things in a positive light.

I'm treading on thin ice and holding on to a thread and I wish I knew how better to express my woes. But wouldn't that be selfish to throw your problems onto someone else to take care of? I am by nature, and nurture, not a selfish person. I do not like to burden people, so I've built walls, a fortress if you may, around myself. It's just one of those nights where I break down a 4m by 4m wall for all to see.

I wish I was simpler. I wish I was boring. I wish I wasn't wired to think of what someone would say after me. I wish my mind wasn't on overdrive. I wish I had access to get to a higher place. I wish Kurt Cobain was alive so maybe I could relate somehow and indulge in the catharsis that is his words. I wish my wishes were simpler.

I need something, or someone life-changing.